Retro Review: If You Don't Stop It... You'll Go Blind! (1975) Uschi Digard saucy sketch comedy

This obscurity from the depths of depravity is a non-stop barrage of puerile and sexist gags, thrown "Laugh-In" style one after another. Surely in it's 80 minute running time there must be some that raise a smile if not anything else? Well, that all depends of course on how low-brow you like your humour.

There gags here that were as old as the hills even when this hit cinemas (yes, it's a proper cinema film, just like Kentucky Fried Movie or, in reality, more like The Groove Tube). There are a couple of redeeming features (and for once I'm not just talking boobs - but, well there are those too), but there's a couple of actors who we will recognise from their Russ Meyer films.

 

To give an example of the level of jokes on offer here, within the first ten minutes we've already had a gag with a naked woman stuck to a toilet seat, with only a hat to cover her lower modesty "we save your wife, but the cowboy's a gonna...." (cue tumbleweeds). A nurse sketch; "I told you to prick his boil!" (more tumbleweeds...) Our first Meyer alumni appears early on with Patrick Wright as a burly guy (typecasting, eh?) who finds a naked woman tied to a tree. After hearing how she's been brutalised by groups of men; "well it's just not your day..."  (those tumbleweeds are taking over..) Wright, of course is best known to Meyer fans as Mr Peterbuilt in Beneath the Valley of the Ultra Vixens (1979) but was also in classic schlock-fest Track of the Moon Beast (1976)

A meeting of a sex clinic (hosted by a guy who unfortunately looks like disgraced DJ Dave Lee Travis) brings up more gems.. the gay man for whom "sex is a pain in the ass", "Do you speak to your wife during sex?" "If I'm close to a phone.." Oh, my sides... This section gives us our first glimpse of the wonderful Uschi Digard, who appears naked for the majority of her appearances. As well as appearing in Cherry, Harry & Raquel! (1970), Supervixens (1975) and Beneath the Valley of the Ultra Vixens, she was in the "Catholic School Girls In Trouble" section of Kentucky Fried Movie. 

The longer, more laborious sections are the song-and-dance routines, of which there are fortunately not too many and a sex marathon involving 'Omar' who attempts to sleep with dozens of women (Uschi is first) which takes far too long to get to its lame punchline. One character in the "sex awards" section is named Harrison Marks.. I only hope this was meant as an in-joke and not just a lame co-incidence, as it would certainly put the writers higher in my estimation. But not by much.

More faces worth looking out for in several roles in George Spencer, lead in the wonderful obscure grindhouse flick Massage Parlor Murders! (1973) and stand up comic Pat McCormick. Don't take that as a recommendation, though!

Now, if you've followed anything else covered on this blog, you'll be aware I have a fondness for old style comedy. Benny Hill, Frankie Howerd, Carry On films, British sex comedies etc.. I like it low-brow obviously. This film really does scrape the bottom of the very lowest barrel. There's also a sequel, Can I Do It.. Til I Need Glasses? which will appear here soon. I really am a glutton for punishment.

2 out of 10 (purely for the Uschi nudity)