Blu-ray review: The Telephone Book (1971)

Following their release of Massage Parlor Murders!, the good people at Vinegar Syndrome have come up trumps again with their new Blu-ray release of obscure 1971 film The Telephone Book.

Alice (Sarah Kennedy) is exercising in the nude when she receives an obscene phone call, which happens to be the best obscene call ever, prompting her to seek out the man behind the voice. "My name is John Smith. I'm in the book" The caller, (voiced by Norman Rose, whose voice over work has graced everything from cartoons to Woody Allen films; he was the announcer in Radio Days and only appears onscreen wearing a pig mask) is a little harder to find than Alice expects and along the way she meets the strange and the depraved of the New York scene, including a porn actor looking for his comeback (the brilliant Barry Morse, pre-Space 1999), a psychoanalyst (Roger C. Carmel, who also had an extensive TV career including voicing several of the Transformers) who offers dimes, dispensed suggestively from his coin changer, in exchange for stories, and when she is mugged, she is offered the use of a phone by a lesbian who attacks her with vibrators.

Not only that, there's appearances by Jill Clayburgh, Lucy Lee Flippin (Little House on the Prairie) who has one of the best, apparently ad-libbed, lines involving the unique use of a banana and William Hickey (the old Mafia Don in Prizzi's Honor) as a man who wakes with an erection that won't go down. There's also Arthur Haggerty (better known as dog trainer Captain Haggerty, and even better known to genre fans as the fat bald zombie on the boat at the beginning of Fulci's Zombie Flesh Eaters) as a district attorney giving a press conference about the perils of obscene phone calls. 

Surprisingly, the film is not overly erotic, (despite their being plenty of flesh on display) but rather arty, and bursts from black and white to colour for the last ten minutes with the inclusion of some Robert Crumb style animation by Len Glasser. It was this animation that gained the film its X rating when it was released in 1971. The humour of the film is not as broad as the standard sex comedy, but there's plenty to enjoy. 

                       

Once Mr Smith is actually on the scene in his pig mask mid way through it does become a little talky but the frantic editing and bizarre situation keeps the interest. Sarah Kennedy, (not to be confused with the British one who appeared on Game For A Laugh)  is a delight to watch and very likable, and went on to be a regular on Rowan & Martin's Laugh In and appeared with a young Cassandra Peterson (Elvira) in The Working Girls (1974). 

The film struggled to get a distribution deal at first, being turned down by Hugh Heffner and all the major studios until it was picked up by Avco Embassy, who in a display of cold feet, put the film out under a false company name, Rosebud Releasing Corporation (the same name used to later distribute the unrated version of Evil Dead 2!)

Director Nelson Lyon would go on to be a writer for Saturday Night Live, and would end up being blacklisted from the industry for his involvement in the massive drug binge that killed John Belushi. 

The disc contains an interesting, if a little off topic at times, commentary by producer Mervin Bloch, who also worked cutting trailers for some major films like Polanki's The Tenant and the Pacino movie Cruising. 

If Vinegar Syndrome keep unearthing these 'lost' classics, our shelves will soon look like a massive homage to 42nd Street (well, even more than they do already). Keep them coming, is what I say. The Telephone Book is far from mainstream and that alone is a good enough reason to seek it out. The Blu-ray is region free, and it comes with a DVD copy too and looks better than a film this rare ever should. 

 

If you like your sleaze to be a touch arty without being too pretentious , you should not hang up on this one. 

7 out of 10

Retro review: The Crime of Doctor Hallet (1938) rare Universal drama

Out in the Sumatran Jungle, Doctor Paul Hallet (Ralph Bellamy) and his chemist assistant, Jack Murray (William Gargan) are working to try and find a cure for red fever. They are sent a new assistant, Park Avenue Doctor Philip Saunders (John King) by their US sponsors, and Hallet takes a dislike to him (an off hand comment about where they studied seals his contempt), putting him to work cleaning test tubes and looking after cleaning up the test monkeys. When one of the baby monkeys accidentally cuts its self and drips blood on a slide containing live culture, Saunders finds that it's blood kills the disease cells. Hallet is not interested in anything he says, so Saunders conducts his own experiments while Hallet and Murray continue theirs.

After his test monkeys respond well to his serum, Saunders rushes to tell Hallet, only to find that he has found his own cure. Bowing to Hallet's expertise he keeps his mouth shut at his own discovery and, wanting to have some kind of involvement in the breakthrough subjects himself to the red fever virus, so Hallet can use his serum to cure him. As Saunders lies in a delirious state, and Hallet's test monkeys have died, he tells him of his own findings, and points him in the direction of his notes. Saunders dies, and to make matters worse for Hallet, the funding for the research has been pulled, and they are ordered to come home.

Dejected, and feeling guilty about Saunders' death, he reads his notes, believes his serum could work, and finds $4,000 in traveller's cheques. He decides to pose as Saunders, and announce the death of Doctor Hallet, and uses the money to carry on and vows to credit Saunders for any discovery.
Things become complicated when a new assistant, the beautiful Dr Mary Reynolds (Josephine Hutchinson) is sent along and believes Hallet to be Saunders, but like the real Saunders when he arrived, Hallet has little time for the new assistant.

Meanwhile, Saunders' wife (Barbara Read), a socialite with only her own intentions in mind is considering divorcing him, until she reads that his discovery could earn him a Nobel prize. Smelling money and fame, she decides to give the (dead remember) doctor another chance, and hops on a plane to the island.
Claire arrives, and the secret and deception are out of the bag. Will she do as she threatens and prosecute Hallet for Saunders' murder and forgery of the traveller's cheques or will the sudden attack of red fever save Hallet's neck?

A rare drama from Universal Studios, made just before the second wave of their classic monsters series, and starring some great names who would go on and appear in them. Bellamy, of course is the most famous and would later have parts in The Wolf Man (1941) and The Ghost of Frankenstein (1942) as well as the classic screwball comedy, His Girl Friday (1940) and was still working up until his death in 1991, with a great turn in Trading Places (1983). Hutchinson appeared as Elsa von Frankenstein in Son of Frankenstein (1939) and Barbara Read had been in another great Universal B-movie mystery, The Man Who Cried Wolf (1937).
While there are no real horror elements, and for his faults, Hallet's intentions are all for the best, the drama is still good enough to keep you interested, and at about 65mins it doesn't drag. 6 out of 10

Retro review: The Soul Of A Monster (1944)

Doctor George Winson (George Macready) is dying. A selfless man, who always went the extra mile for others is at his deathbed from an infection caught when his glove tore. "It's a cock eyed world"; people on the street can't believe it. His wife, Ann (Jeanne Bates) won't believe it. Over the open fire in the room he is set to die in, she makes a plea to anyone - anything - that can save him.

 

Across the town, a strange woman is walking almost trance like, with purpose. She causes cars to almost run her over, electricity wires come falling down spraying sparks in her wake. She keeps on walking until she appears at the Doctor's room. Lillian Gregg (Rose Hobart) is there to take control. She has come to save the doctor when no medicine can help. "You called for me" She insists on everyone leaving, Ann, and the doctor's friends, Fred (Erik Rolf) and Dr Roger Vance (Jim Bannon). Having hours alone with Lillian does the doctor wonders, and he fully recovers within weeks, but he is a changed man. The nice, kind, generous man is no more. He is now cruel, foul tempered and suspicious. George even makes fresh flowers wither and die with just a touch.

Lillian however, has other plans for George. She begins using a her power over him to her advantage.
Back at work, with his assistant Dr Vance, things are getting tense. A minor squabble nearly breaks into a fight, and, holding George's wrists to protect himself, Vance discovers George has no pulse! While examining a young boy, George accidentally gets cut by a pair of scissors, but no blood! Could it be that bringing back George from the brink of death has robbed him of his mortal soul?

A rare Columbia Pictures release, The Soul Of A Monster is a strange little film. At times it feels like a lost Val Lewton classic, then it goes all preachy and could be a morality tale straight from of the Bible belt. It's the heavy handedness of the spiritual side of the film that lets it down, you are practically bashed over the head with metaphysics of the soul and how one who looks to any other 'God' for guidance is wrong and soulless.
Towards the end, characters end up saying the same lines that have just been spoke. A caption card at the end of the film says it all "For the man who walks with evil walks alone; he who walks with evil has no soul,no hope; he lives but a life without faith, and without faith there is no life."

Ok, so I'm not a 'believer' so maybe that's why this felt a little heavy for me, but by the end, it did feel like it was bashing you over the head with it! Enough already! Just show me the horror! Still, it's effective in it's atmosphere in parts and features some unusual jaunty camera angles and tricks that you don't often see in films of it's age (as Lillian appears, then disappears at the end the film briefly goes into negative) , while not living up to it's poster hype, doesn't drag on too much.
5 out of 10.

The Human Centipede 2 (Full Sequence) (2011)

"Stop them tears - you're just making daddy's willy harder"

When the BBFC announced a few months ago that they were refusing a certificate to Tom Six's sequel to his original hit, the interweb was buzzing with outrage. Firstly, that anything should be banned in this day and age, and secondly, as they gave their reasons in a very graphic spoiler laden write up, it made the film to sound unacceptably sick and totally unappealing.

Now we have the chance to see what the fuss was about (albeit minus 32 separate cuts amounting to just over 2 and a half minutes). To be honest, after reading the BBFC blurb I didn't particularly WANT to see it. I wasn't a big fan of the first one for a start, I found it quite over rated (yes, people DID rave about it). Then came the first proper trailer (not the rubbish audience reaction one). It actually looked intriguing. The BBFC failed to tell you it was in black and white. Not that it makes it instantly "arty" although that may have been the intention. It was just the main character, Martin (Lawrence R. Harvey - who is brilliant) was SO damn strange and scary to start with, that I felt I should see it. 

Martin is obsessed with the first film. He watches it continuously while at work as a security guard in an underground car park and keeps a nicely bound scrapbook of the film which he lovingly illustrates. He has an uncaring, overbearing, unhinged mother (Viven Bridson) and has obviously suffered some abuse as a child (hence the opening quote - a jaw dropping piece of dialogue voiced by Harvey himself, the only time we get to hear his voice) for which he is urged to see the equally strange and perverted psychiatrist Dr. Sebring (Bill Hutchins). 

you see, this is more scary than any ass to mouth!

Martin has other plans, though. He is taking a leaf from the first film's 100% medically accurate book and plans to make his own 12 man (and woman) centipede. Only without any medical know how or instruments. Staple gun and gaffa tape ok for you? Another major drawback for the odd little chap is he seems to be unable to do anything without almost collapsing from an asthma attack (as a sufferer myself, I should be outraged and offended by this, but I found it amusing).

look closer, it's his foot.. not what you were thinking...

The problem with the film is the whole meta aspect. To show a guy SO obsessed with a work of fiction that he wants to commit the atrocities is pandering to the argument that people who want to ban always use. 

It would have been a much more effective film just having Martin as a sicko fantasising about doing sick things rather than emulating a film. Having one of the original actress from the first film play herself (duped into coming to Martin thinking she is up for a Quentin Tarrantino role) was a pretty good stroke, though.

On the plus sides, Martin is one creepy guy, and the fact he doesn't utter a word (aside from a few grunts) and yet he obviously does in reality (his mother mentions several times "is this that sick film you keep going on about?". He is the ultimate film monster. In looks and deeds. It's a shame it's the usual abused upbringing that's used as a reason for him being like that. That said, watching the mother and son relationship reminded me of David and Maureen Sowerbutts in the wonderful Psychoville TV series.

The black and white photography makes it watchable, too, although you do get the feeling that Six was trying too hard to make the film have the same feel as Eraserhead (1977) or Pi (1998) but falling far short of the brilliance of those classics, but nice try, and it is one of the film's redeeming features. 

The cuts don't seem to have harmed the film from what I can see, it still makes you squirm and is very sick, with more than enough to keep the 'gore is better than story' bunch happy. it just lacks the tension build up to make the shocks work as more than just gross out moments. Just think yourself lucky Six didn't film in 3D. Wait until the 'digestion' scenes to find out why! 

One can only think Six is rubbing his hands together at the publicity the film has received thanks to the BBFC (although their decision to release it with cuts may have hurt their "banned in the UK" US publicity), as the film would have probably just had a small core audience without it. I may be wrong, but I'm pretty sure the first film went straight to DVD and was screening on the UK Sci-Fi channel (sorry refuse to call it SyFy or whatever the silly name is now) pretty much straight after it's release, with only word of mouth (or was that word of mouth to anus?) giving it it's publicity?

In conclusion, the film is not as bad as people are making out, nor as bad as I feared it would be, but I don't think I'll be rushing to see it again. 5 out of 10. (would have been higher if it hadn't been for the whole meta-centipede angle)

UPDATE : I have (despite saying I wasn't going to rush and see it again) now purchased the uncut US Blu-ray, and re-watching the film found it a much more satisfying and enjoyable experience (even if it was still horrific and uncomfortable - if that makes sense?) I still stand by my dislike of the meta-aspect in principal - purely because it garnered too much negative press and bias. I have, however decided the rating should be

8 out of 10.