Retro review: Can I Do It... 'Til I Need Glasses? (1977) sketch sex comedy - with Robin Williams

As promised (or threatened) in my previous review, I sat down and checked out the sequel to If You Don't Stop It... You'll Go Blind, made by the same team, although this one was directed solely by I. Robert Levy.
Like the earlier film, this is a non-stop barrage of increasingly lame gags - mostly of a sexual nature - which invariably fail to raise so much as a smile let alone a titter.

Among the "jokes" on offer here are a variation on the one used in the first film, only with a naked woman, locked out of her apartment, holding a pair of shoes over her embarrassment. The punchline this time coming from a drunk passing in the hallway "At a boy, shorty! Give her everything you've got" Believe me, it's downhill from here.

One of the plus-points of the first film was the appearance of a couple of genre faces (namely Russ Meyer alumni Patrick Wright and Uschi Digard and Vixen's Garth Pillsbury). Well, Wright is back in several sections and Uschi has a blink-and-you'll-miss-her cameo riding an elephant in the opening credits (there are several moments in this title montage which don't appear later on), but the main selling point (certainly when the film got a rushed re-release following the success of Mork and Mindy) is the appearance of Robin Williams. He's in two sketches here, neither any good, but then as I indicated earlier, the whole film is a mirth-free zone. Also apparently here is porn legend Ron Jeremy, but I certainly couldn't spot him.

The best gag (and it's a stretch to find one, believe me) is set in an nudist colony, with a male bringing his female friends a drink each; "help yourself to a donuts".

The final, lengthier section is a rip off of Woody Allen's ejaculation spoof from Everything You Always Wanted To Know About Sex *But Were Afraid To Ask (1972). Woody did it so much better, naturally.

Not that you'll come across this too easily (although it is out on DVD in the US) but it's one to avoid.
2 out of 10 (purely for the skin on display!)

Retro review: Gums (1976) saucy spoof of Jaws!

 

For those who thought the "art" of the porn parody began with the likes of Shaving Ryan's Privates, Edward Penishands (which I only ever came across - ahem - in an unsubtitled, undubbed German version) and the current glut of lazily titled skin flicks, cast your mind back to Flesh Gordon (1974), and Gums (1976), which may well have been the first of the bunch to spoof a currently popular movie.

Opening with a familiar scenario of two love birds running down the beach, stripping off. Only here we get a brightly lit, full on jiggle-fest (both female and male) before the fella goes out for a swim, only to be attacked by an unseen presence in the water. Enjoying the experience at first, he is then cut off in his prime when his meat and two veg are sucked right off. Turns out there's a mermaid (Terri Hall) in the waters, and it's down to a crack - or at least crackpot - team to save the town and keep the beaches open. Step forward Nazi Captain Carl Clitoris (Brother Theodore, Massage Parlor Murders!, The 'Burbs), Sheriff Rooster Coxswain (spelt Cockswain on the back of his jacket, however, Paul Styles in his only film role) and, in the Hooper role of Dr. Sy Smegma is Robert Kerman (later to appear in both Cannibal Holocaust and Ferox and billed here as Richard Lair), with his ever present blow up doll. Amid the fun, there's plenty of bonking, sucking and genital removal (comic, not in the Ferox way!) and even some doggy sex for you nature lovers.

Quite an obscure film, which is reminiscent of films such as Kentucky Fried Movie in its irreverence. Some gags work, and some sink like the Titanic. Filmed as a hardcore film, the DVD release (US only) is the shorter, edited version which incorporates crudely drawn cartoon images optically over any naughty action. That is not to say there's not still a fair share of nudity and smut still on display. The cast (especially the already crackers Brother Theodore) all go as far over the top as possible, which can be a little grating, but at just over an hour in length it doesn't outstay its welcome. The best gag of the film is the sudden replacement of the actors with Mr Punch type puppets, complete with (censored) spunky cocks! The underwater scenes of Hall (who also appeared in the bizarre Alice in Wonderland: An X-Rated Musical Fantasy) swimming, with no attempt to disguise the backdrops on the sides of the swimming pool, make Zombie Lake's underwater scenes look like James Cameron's Ghosts of the Abyss.

It probably deserves to sink without trace, but the fact the film got made, without litigation from Universal - the music is very similar to John Williams' classic score - is remarkable, and it obviously takes it's lead from Russ Meyer and Mel Brooks in making a Nazi character a prominent comical focus. It would be about 30 years before the porn industry would tackle Jaws again, in the surprisingly well made This Ain't Jaws - a XXX parody ("We're gonna need a bigger cock")

 

Worth checking out for those interested in 70s comedy porn, and no doubt would be hilarious if you've had a few too many and watched with a bunch of mates.
5 out of 10

Being Frank: The Chris Sievey Story launches on Kickstarter!

Regular readers to this blog will know one of my biggest heroes was Chris Sievey, better known as Frank Sidebottom. I was lucky enough to get to know Chris little, and he is sorely missed by many.
Steve Sullivan, who made the short film of Frank's Magical Timperley Tour is putting together, with the approval of the Sievey family, a documentary about Chris, his "almost famous" band, The Freshies (who I still remember hearing on Manchester's Piccadilly Radio long before Frank came on the scene) and of course, Mr Sidebottom himself. Steve has been talking to Chris' friends and family, and fans over the past few months (I was interviewed in December, and have provided my archive of live footage for use), but in order to make the film the best it can be (and fund the costs of setting up more interviews with people instrumental in Chris' life) the project has launched on crowd funding site Kickstarter. That's where you come in. From as little as £1, you can help make this film a marvelous reality. Basically, you are pre-ordering the DVD or Blu-ray. But there are many more incentives for the more generous and affluent out there. You can have a chance to own something that Chris cherished. It may well be something as small as a Subbuteo player, or as random as a Mr Blobby with one leg who dances like a horse. Who knows? If you're a fan, you won't want to miss out. Higher pledges get a chance to own some of the complete gigs that I filmed, and DVD versions of early Freshies videos.
Head over to the Kickstarter page now and join the lovely people who have already pledged their support. Don't worry if you don't have the cash until payday, the money will not go out of your bank until the funding ends on May 31st.
You know you should, you really should. Thank you.

Review: John Cooper Clarke - South of the Border live DVD

Recorded at a sell out show at the Royal Festival Hall, London in 2010, this is the first official recording of a full John Cooper Clarke show. John has been a cult figure on the British music and cultural scene since he burst onto the punk circuit in the mid '70s, with hits such as Gimmix! Play Loud! (released on coloured triangle shaped vinyl) and I Married A Monster From Outer Space.

During 2010 was the subject of a documentary, eventually screened on BBC3, and released on DVD - Evidently, John Cooper Clarke - which is in itself well worth checking out (available on Amazon) and while following John about the makers filmed the London show among others.

If you are unfamiliar with John, he was billed as the "punk poet" (a title he doesn't like), and had hit albums and singles with his poems set to music. He is a former heroin addict, (who shared a house with the Velvet Underground's Nico at one point) and appeared opposite the Honey Monster on the Sugar Puffs adverts (a accolade also shared by Henry McGee). John's shows are just him a microphone and a plastic bag of notebooks with his prose on. More a stand up comedian now than straight poetry recital, and genuinely funny in a way modern so called comics could only dream of.
Coming on stage to the Saint theme tune, his Salford twang still present, and uncompromising in his observations, which range from child like wordplay to highly intelligent prose. His poems appear on the National Curriculum, and it's about time he got the recognition he deserves.
With an 85 minute running time, and with a machine gun delivery there are more gags per second than any slick stand up desperate to peddle their DVDs of their tightly honed shows every Christmas. You know, the ones that appear in the pound shops a few months later.

As well as the full show, which you will find yourself re-watching over and over to catch the lines you missed while laughing too much, there are two short extras; a clip of the soundcheck and, more importantly (especially if you are familiar with my interests) a recording of the classic song 36 Hours, recording in Sheffield with Frank Sidebottom on keyboard and guitar. Frank toured with John in 2009 and 2010, and it was his last major appearances before the untimely death of Frank's creator, Chris Sievey. This alone is worth the price of the DVD.

Anyone of a certain age will remember John and enjoy this, those too young to be around during punk, should buy this, and the documentary and learn how comedy and word play can be done.
10 out 10.

Review: Iron Sky (2012)

It is 2018. An American module is landing on the moon, organised as both a PR stunt for the President (Stephanie Paul) and a secret mission to see if there are any readings for a new fuel, Helium 3. It's not long before the two man crew have stumbled on a hidden Nazi base, one is immediately killed, the other taken prisoner. It turns out this astronaut is another US stunt, him being a black model, James Washington (Christopher Kirkby) sent along just to improve the perception of the mission. Now, of course the Nazis - who arrived on the moon in 1945 and have since been building up their forces and arsenal in preparation of the rise of a Fourth Reich - don't take the sudden appearance of a coloured guy too well.

               

Renete (Julia Deitze) is the daughter of the base's Einstein lookalike chief scientist (Tilo Prückner), and teaches the children Earth Studies; which includes using Charlie Chaplin's The Great Dictator as an example of how great and respected Hitler was. To them, this is only a short film (basically just the famous section with the Hitler character playing with an inflatable globe) - later she will see the full 2hour version and be horrified that it actually is mocking the Fuhrer. Wolfgang (Udo Kier) is the Nazi's leader, and he sends Klaus (Götz Otto) and the newly whitened Washington back down to Earth to get supplies of the new fangled telephone computers (mobiles to you and me) to power their equipment, the scientist comes up with a cable to connect the tiny phone to their enormous machinery "I call this Universal Systematic Binding. USB for short". You see, despite their obvious advances - building on the moon, etc.. the technology does rely on gears, chains, dials and a computer the size of a room.

Things don't go to plan on the mission to Earth, Renete stowing away being one, but when they manage to have an audience with the President herself (a very thinly veiled version of Sarah Palin), Renete's rousing speech about her beloved Reich's plans for a new world order are taken and used as her own. The two Nazi's then become PR workers for the White House, until Wolfgang re-appears and attempts retribution.

A full scale Nazi invasion of Earth is of course, inevitable, with their mix of advanced and steam punk weaponry - and that includes airships, I'm pleased to note - and their ultimate weapon, meteorites/ With the United Nations having full scale nuclear disarmament, how will we retaliate?

Iron Sky has had a chequered and troubled history, to the point where we were seriously wondering if it would ever see the light of day. Six years in the making, and partly funded by fan donations, as well as several different countries. Does this audacious and potentially offensive film deliver? The simple answer is yes. And in spades. Director Timo Vurensola has crafted a film in which for just under 90mins (approx 10mins of the running time are the film's end credits, there are so many FX houses and people to thank and mention) the pace does not let up. Part sci-fi, part war and all comedy, the films takes swipes at areas of society. The Americans come off worse than the Nazis, but their are no punches pulled. The action is straight out of the Saturday morning serials, zinging along with one set piece after another, and the satire is pure Dr Stranglove. While not all the gags are hilarious, the film is certainly fun, and it flies by so fast you could easily sit through it again straight away and catch any you may have missed. The special effects are incredibly impressive considering the budget, again, some work better than others, with green screen being used for most if not all of the moon base interiors.
If you have not been lucky enough to catch the film on it's limited UK cinema run, don't miss it on DVD.
9 out of 10