Review: THE BATTERY

Just when you thought it was safe to come back to the DVD shelf, another zombie apocalypse film lumbers towards the shelves. But don't despair, dear reader! The Battery is, in fact, that rare breed which takes a well-worn premise and attempts to do something new.

Ben (writer/director Jeremy Gardner) and Mickey (Adam Cronheim) used to play in a baseball team together, but since the world has been ravished by a zombie outbreak, they have been on the road together. After staying three months in a house, escaping when it became overrun by the undead, they have spent every night sleeping where ever they can: rooftops, trees, cars, any place they might not be eaten. Ben, the stronger of the pair, wields his bat to see off any attack, while Mickey is a little more sensitive and can't bring himself to fight back, choosing instead to block his senses with music, wearing headphones almost all the time. After they find some walkie-talkies and stumble upon a transmission between two strangers who appear to have a safe haven, Mickey becomes obsessed with finding them. This is despite being told by both man and woman on the other end of the line that they would not be welcome. This causes even more friction between the mismatched pair, and could be their downfall.

The Battery (also known as Ben & Mickey vs. the Dead, making it sound more like a comedy) is that rare breed of film in which not much actually happens, but is engrossing and entertaining nonetheless. Aside from the occasional zombie attack, the majority of the film is made up of the men bickering and ruminating on what might be happening outside of the rural New England countryside they are roaming. While it's not a comedy, there's still some humour to be had along the way, often coming from the pair's differences, and, in one particularly brilliant scene, when the sexually frustrated Mickey is under siege from a young female zombie. Thrusting her body (think Cool Hand Luke) against the car window, he can't resist taking matters into hand and having a dirty rummage.

The film is most like The Walking Dead in its more talky parts, but that's not altogether a bad thing. Gardner, as both director and actor, has made a brave choice in focusing on the realism of 'just getting on with things' while everything else has gone to pot. There are long scenes where nothing happens, the characters contemplating, or just talking, filmed boldly in long, static, takes. The finale particularly shows great ingenuity. When working with such a low budget (apparently $6000), he makes no attempt to over stretch and in doing so the finish product is incredibly moving; claustrophobic yet full of tension. The real evil to be wary of, as is always the case, is not those who want to eat us, but our fellow man. 

It's ambitious, but it works. It won't be a mainstream pleaser - like the slower episodes of the TV series, the pace will put off many, but those who get it will savour it. A cult classic for future generations.

9 out of 10

Review: 9 Days (2013) very low budget sadistic indie horror

With money raised on a Kickstarter campaign, Samuel M. Johnson promised "a scary-as-hell, "Dante's Inferno"-inspired "7" meets "Hostel." - well, that's some tall order and while the results are not terrible, it does fall short on several aspects.

18 year old Danielle (Maura Murphy) has run away from her abusive, adopted parents and is picked up hitchhiking by Virgil (Chris Schleicher). Despite coming across instantly as a wise-ass jerk, she accepts his lift and offer of some food at his house. Big mistake, as she wakes chained up in his basement. He tells her she will endure nine days of suffering and pain in order to cleanse her soul, and she will survive ("not like those others") if she's strong.

The premise is one that has been done to death; abduct, torture, humiliate, rinse, repeat. The added interest of elements (very loosely) taken from the first part of Dante's Divine Comedy don't actually add much more than the religious zealot. The sadistic torture isn't as graphic as one would imagine (not surprising giving the film's low budget) but is still fairly grueling.
Murphy does well in the lead, throwing herself into the part (and several nude moments - including a shower scene in black and white; whether this was as a homage to Psycho is anyone's guess) but the non-acting skills of Schleicher is where the film really falters. He is more annoying than terrifying, although his condescending tone suits the character.

The not-so-snappy DVD title of the film (not onscreen) is 9 Days: Whipped, Chained and Tortured by a Psychopath which makes it sound even more salacious and nasty. Although it's certainly not pleasant, the level of violence on display isn't too over the top, and certainly doesn't stray in August Underground territory so don't be expecting a gore-fest. Be warned, however there IS a jaunty song repeated several times which is very annoying and off-putting!

As a first feature, it's not badly put together; although the limitations of the skill/budget/experience show within the sound design and general direction (we didn't really need to see the close-up of the severed head in the fridge, it would have been far more effective and chilling just glimpsed - but, hey, they built a great prop so, why not?) , but there's many worse films out there and hopefully it will be a stepping stone for the director and crew.

5 out of 10

Retro Review: Murder Is Like Sex (2009)

From the title of this shot on video tale you would possibly expect a Murder Set Pieces style gorefest, or maybe even some porn-gore crossover. What you get instead in nearly 2 hours of a bloke whose chronic masturbation has created a maniac woman who kills people who piss him off, and his attempt to both clear his name and get laid.

I need a subscription to this magazine!

This is what the popular kids look like in this town!

Kevin (Jayson Garity) is a loser, picked on at school for not fitting in with the cool kids, and working as a clerk in a record store. Such is his sexual frustration, he can't help but have a dirty rummage while serving the popular girl Michelle (Lindsay Gerish) or while stopping at the lights on the way home. He bumps into Michelle again later on while doing a grocery errand for the little old lady next door (Mildren Boron, I assume the director's mother, and quite possibly the worst of the bad acting on show here). When he refuses to buy he some beer, she taunts him, and he gets a flashback to his school woes. During his nocturnal fiddling, he fantasies about a beautiful blonde riding him, and has a completely bizarre 'out of body' experience - complete with dodgy SFX, until of course it's time to wipe his fingers and he's all alone again.    

                                                                                                                                      

The next day, he is shocked to see a blonde Lisa (Robyn Griggs, Slashers Gone Wild!) on his doorstep, newly moved in and keen to make his acquaintance. His luck changes even more for the better when his workmate puts him in touch with his cousin, Lucy (Heather Summers) with whom he shares lots of interests. The two are getting to know each other when it comes on the news Michelle has been brutally murdered. Being one of the last to see her, and arguing to boot, Kevin is brought in for questioning, but released without charge.

Kevin and Lucy bump into local meat head Tom (Mathew Turner) who is out with a shotgun looking for Michelle's killer. Lisa turns up, brandishing a large knife and does away with Tom, as well as confessing to Michelle's murder! She tells Kevin she is a tulpa, brought into existence through the power of his fantasy..

Shot on video films are not a new thing, in fact we're getting more and more used to them over the years. Some are good, and show real inventiveness and are populated with people with a talent for being in front of the camera. Some are not. Murder Is Like Sex falls firmly into the latter category. It's not just that the film is inept, it just isn't punchy enough to keep the interest going for 2 hours. I can put up a few below par actors (hey, I love Ed Wood films!) but make them do something other than spout exposition! There are also some exchanges with record store customers that were either in here to 'add realism' or as just to get friends in on the film, High Fidelity this is not!

I can't even remember where I got this film from, I found it in my collection but a quick Amazon search shows it's still available if you REALLY need to see it, but the director Keith Boron has released nothing else as far as I can see.
2 out of 10

Review: The Shadow Of Death (2012)

Becoming lost in the woods after heading out to 'score some weed', three house mates -  sensible Debra (Corinna Jane), computer geek Jamie (Jane West) and annoying stoner Nancy (Sophia Disgrace) - and their wise cracking, loser friend Dan (Daniel Carter-Hope) unwittingly become prey to a madman doing away with people in increasingly inventive ways. Their only hope may well come from a wanna be cop, the self styled Super Special Officer Cop Craven (Dan Bone) of the Super Secret Police Force. Let's just hope they don't rely on him too much though...

While it may not sound the most original of subjects, Director Gav Chuckie Steel manages to weave an interesting and fun take on the standard tropes, without resorting to copycat or parody.

The over saturated look gives it a grindhouse feel, without having to go as far as some have to force that. (it doesn't go over the top with fake film scratches and there's no missing reels here, folks!)

The Shadow of Death is a no budget film. IMDB says it cost £250. From what you see on screen, I wouldn't have believed it. Both the practical make up FX (there's some effective gory moments) and the inventive use of camera angles and sound are much better than you'd see in films with a much larger budget; you know the ones that would turn up on late night screenings on The Horror Channel, or straight to DVD. The acting is above the standard you'd expect in a film at this level too. While I found a lot of the characters annoying (I really hate people preoccupied with drugs) by the end I had warmed to them, and there are several funny moments.

The film is peppered with film references, from the subtle (Cannibal Holocaust) to the obvious (naming the pub The Slaughtered Lamb, Evil Dead), and while these are fun, they don't take over the film. I did get a feel of The Wicker Man in there too, especially with the use of music.

It is hoped the film will get into a few of the horror festivals held around the country later in the year, and it certainly is well worth checking out. It could easily work as a calling card to the industry for Gav Steel, and I hope he does well in the future. You can find out more about the film at the website
UPDATE: You can now view the film in full, for free at Youtube. Thank you Gav! 

8 out of 10

Review: Iron Sky (2012)

It is 2018. An American module is landing on the moon, organised as both a PR stunt for the President (Stephanie Paul) and a secret mission to see if there are any readings for a new fuel, Helium 3. It's not long before the two man crew have stumbled on a hidden Nazi base, one is immediately killed, the other taken prisoner. It turns out this astronaut is another US stunt, him being a black model, James Washington (Christopher Kirkby) sent along just to improve the perception of the mission. Now, of course the Nazis - who arrived on the moon in 1945 and have since been building up their forces and arsenal in preparation of the rise of a Fourth Reich - don't take the sudden appearance of a coloured guy too well.

               

Renete (Julia Deitze) is the daughter of the base's Einstein lookalike chief scientist (Tilo Prückner), and teaches the children Earth Studies; which includes using Charlie Chaplin's The Great Dictator as an example of how great and respected Hitler was. To them, this is only a short film (basically just the famous section with the Hitler character playing with an inflatable globe) - later she will see the full 2hour version and be horrified that it actually is mocking the Fuhrer. Wolfgang (Udo Kier) is the Nazi's leader, and he sends Klaus (Götz Otto) and the newly whitened Washington back down to Earth to get supplies of the new fangled telephone computers (mobiles to you and me) to power their equipment, the scientist comes up with a cable to connect the tiny phone to their enormous machinery "I call this Universal Systematic Binding. USB for short". You see, despite their obvious advances - building on the moon, etc.. the technology does rely on gears, chains, dials and a computer the size of a room.

Things don't go to plan on the mission to Earth, Renete stowing away being one, but when they manage to have an audience with the President herself (a very thinly veiled version of Sarah Palin), Renete's rousing speech about her beloved Reich's plans for a new world order are taken and used as her own. The two Nazi's then become PR workers for the White House, until Wolfgang re-appears and attempts retribution.

A full scale Nazi invasion of Earth is of course, inevitable, with their mix of advanced and steam punk weaponry - and that includes airships, I'm pleased to note - and their ultimate weapon, meteorites/ With the United Nations having full scale nuclear disarmament, how will we retaliate?

Iron Sky has had a chequered and troubled history, to the point where we were seriously wondering if it would ever see the light of day. Six years in the making, and partly funded by fan donations, as well as several different countries. Does this audacious and potentially offensive film deliver? The simple answer is yes. And in spades. Director Timo Vurensola has crafted a film in which for just under 90mins (approx 10mins of the running time are the film's end credits, there are so many FX houses and people to thank and mention) the pace does not let up. Part sci-fi, part war and all comedy, the films takes swipes at areas of society. The Americans come off worse than the Nazis, but their are no punches pulled. The action is straight out of the Saturday morning serials, zinging along with one set piece after another, and the satire is pure Dr Stranglove. While not all the gags are hilarious, the film is certainly fun, and it flies by so fast you could easily sit through it again straight away and catch any you may have missed. The special effects are incredibly impressive considering the budget, again, some work better than others, with green screen being used for most if not all of the moon base interiors.
If you have not been lucky enough to catch the film on it's limited UK cinema run, don't miss it on DVD.
9 out of 10